I’ve always heard that you should never settle down with the person you had the best sex with. Best sex person isn’t your soulmate. They’re fun for a hookup, but they will probably break your heart several months in by doing something like ghosting you or cheating on you with their co-worker. While we aren’t settling down with the best f*cks of our lives, we should at least be lustful toward our partners a little. But what if you’re not? Are there signs you’re not sexually compatible with your partner, despite being happy in the relationship?
I once dated a guy for almost a year whom I loved deeply, but the thought of kissing him made my skin crawl. Yeah, that was probably a red flag that our relationship was not meant to last. Usually, when I’m with someone, I crave their affection. I like hand-holding. I want to be told I’m sexy. A little perversion from a consensual partner? Bring it on. This guy, though, was different. The thought of him being aroused by me in any way disgusted me. I started to hate his hands. I hated his mouth. I faked orgasms to get sex over with.
Spoiler alert: We broke up. I truly did like him as a person (despite how this seems), but sex was actually ruining our relationship. We weren’t compatible in bed at all, despite how much the other pieces of our relationship actually worked.
So here are some signs that you and your partner might not be on the same page in the sex department, no matter how much you love one another.
How we learn about sex
Throughout the course of our lives we are frequently exposed to dominant social discourses or ‘stories’ around all sorts of things, and without meaning to, we use them as guides to learn about and make sense of our world. Dominant cultural and social stories about what constitutes a good relationship, about the importance of sex and the role of gender are highly prevalent and noticeable in our conversations with each other (and in the therapy room). Sayings and popular phrases such as ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ or ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ and ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ are examples of how our cultural stories and sayings relate to how we conduct our sexual lives. What’s fascinating about these stories is that there are often conflicting versions of the same ideas, and the ones we subscribe to as ‘true’ provide a framework we then (unknowingly) use to evaluate and reflect on our own relationships and sex lives.
How would you define relationship compatibility?
Relationship compatibility exists, first and foremost, when a couple relates with equality and respect. It’s important for couples to have fun together and really enjoy the time they spend together. Relationships thrive when two people share companionship and activities. However, a couple doesn’t have to have every interest in common.
People often make the mistake of assuming there is only one person or “soul mate” out there for them, and they believe that that person will complement them in every way. The problem is they may use this idea to reject potential partners who don’t fit the image of the person they think they should be with.
Even when you find the ideal choice for you, that person will not share all of your interests or meet all of your needs. It is also important to have friendships, a broader base of support and companionship, so you can fulfill all aspects of yourself.
Issues are bound to arise in any relationship; no one is perfect. However there are many potential partners you may be compatible with and with whom you could develop your ability to be a loving person.
Get to Know Your Own Sexuality
The first part of understanding if you’re sexually compatible is knowing your own sexuality – what you like, don’t like, what you would like to try, and your deal breakers/boundaries (everyone has them!).
Your sexual preferences are something you either already know about yourself or perhaps something you will learn over time. It can also be ever changing. The important thing is to know what you are and are not comfortable with when going into a new relationship or exploring an established relationship, these are important things for you to know and certainly for your partner to know.
Along with this comes, knowing your “Sex Style.” Do you like to have sex a lot versus only once in a while? Do you prefer one position instead of another? Is there something you want to try or would never try?
Partners with a similar style will naturally have more compatibility in the bedroom.Don’t forget that your sexual needs may likely change over time too.
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